| one day at a time |
[14 Jan 2009|06:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 dealing |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Coldplay - Fix You |
] |
I'm sitting here in my apartment alone. Really alone. A first since being released from the hospital. And I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I'm feeling alright. I'm working on find a new apartment and I called up a few places to get counseling. School starts in one week and I have applications that need to be filled out. But mostly I don't know what to do with myself.
My life feels completely out of sync. Since Christmas day everything seems completely surreal. I keep rethinking the sequence of the events. Like maybe I should have tried to go visit my grandfather on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas day and then I wouldn't have been shot. But mostly it just boils down to being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I know I'm lucky to be alive. And to still be able to walk but then I get overwhelmed over about walking alone outside. And I'm wondering when things are going to go back to feel alright.
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9 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| Just a tidbit |
[01 Jul 2008|01:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Chris Pureka - Cynical |
] |
If I'm pretty sleepy but tomorrow I'll post a longer entry. But I've had a great weekend. Maybe it was the 5 days off in the row. Maybe it was the fact that yesterday was my birthday. Or the fact that I've might actually started to meet people. But life is good at the moment.
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1 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| hair issues |
[26 Jun 2008|09:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Team Dresch - Hand Grenade |
] |
What is it about summer that always makes me want to cut my hair. I was so fed up with my hair today that I went into the salon and asked for an appointment. When I walked in the woman exclaimed "Oh my that is a head full of hair!" Tomorrow I'm getting something done with this puffy cloud on my head.
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4 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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[20 Jun 2008|06:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 wide awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Ciny Wall - Exile |
] |
So its late or early depending if you have slept or not(which I haven't). I'm having terrible sleeping problems in part due to crazy work schedule. I have to be at work at 10 and I'm just really dreading being at work going on no sleep at all.
At any rate, on Monday I decided to get out and explore my neighborhood. So I biked to the beach and enjoyed the awesome weather along with the downtown skyline in the background then I went and got a Chicago Library Card. I was totally disappointed by this library card. I was really hoping that it was going to as cool as the Carnegie Library Card in Pittsburgh but it's just a plain jane one. Next I went to the college and took care of a bunch of the tedious details. I've been trying to look up all the transfer requirements to the 4 years I want to attend. I really want to go to UIC but I'm afraid I won't get into their Social Work program since it seems very competitive. But then I headed over to Women and Children First an independent, feminist bookstore and just had to buy books. Despite the fact that I checked out some at the library. I wonder if I'm the only person who feels compelled to buy books every time they enter a bookstore? While I was wondering around Women and Children First I looked at there bulletin board and noticed that there were fliers up about a Dyke March meeting being held at the Center on Halsted.
On little more than a whim I decided to go to the Dyke March town hall meeting. I really expected to be about 10 - 15 people in the room and I'd be the odd person out. Instead the room was packed full of people. There was a lot of discussion about the moving of Dyke March to Pilsen and what could be done to have a greater influence on the neighborhood and to combat why people felt afraid of the neighborhood. It was a bit awing to be among such discourse. It is the exact kind of environment that I want to be involved in. Grassroots and direct action. The meeting really made me excited about the march and I can't wait to participate in my first one especially since it's returning to its original purpose. At the end of the 2 hr meeting I was really wishing that it could go on. I'll just have to wait another week until the march though.
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6 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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[07 Jun 2008|09:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thirsty |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Everything But the Girl - Lullably of Clubland |
] |
So I'm sitting in my apartment with 4 boxes that still need to be unpacked. I'm exhausted from work and I definitely need to start planning for crazy weather better because I got soaked on the ride home from work. It definitely has been sorta of a weird week but I guess I just need to get use to everything.
While I've never liked Wal-Mart at least back home I had all my co-workers to make work fun and barely. The Wal-Mart here really sucks. No one likes doing any work. The department managers sit in the back and every so often come out to give random instructions. Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing my job wrong because I'm actually trying to help customers. I really need to find another job because I really can't take being around people who don't work and then bitch constantly about work and other people at work. Hopefully I find one relatively soon.
About a week before I moved I ordered my new computer thinking that it would be delivered to my apartment within my first 2 weeks here so that I wouldn't have my grandfather's laptop for to long. Well I was right about it being delivered but totally wrong about expecting FedEx to deliver it properly. On Tuesday FedEx was suppose to deliver my computer but since I was at work I figured I'd come back to my apartment to a note about an attempted deliver or something. But instead I arrived home, check my email and find out its been delivered. I was extremely confused so I called up FedEx and find out they had let someone else sign for my computer. I was pretty flabbergasted by that and upset. So 4 days later I'm still trying to get FedEx to own up to their mistake and get my pc back. I wish I could find the person who sign for and then took my computer. Because I want my computer and to ask them why they would do such a thing. Hopefully next week I can get a solid answer from FedEx and find out how long its going to take for them to replace it.
Other than the computer situation things are going pretty good at my end. Next week on my days off I plan on getting the apartment in order and explore my neighborhood more. If its sunny outside I'll probably go bike around the lake.
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2 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| Beginnings |
[27 May 2008|11:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
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straving |
] |
I `don't really know what to say that I'm here. In Chicago. Eric and I pulled in a 3.30 ish and then when basically unpacked the car and was up until 1 a.m. last night. I'm tired there is still lots to be done. So much stuff that I don't have but it feels good. I'm where I want to be and this just the beginning. I know I should be totally frighten over the fact that I really have to find a better job ASAP and that I have very few connections in this city but while I and worried over those things inside of me is a bit of happiness that I haven't felt in a long time.
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4 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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[23 May 2008|08:31am] |
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So today is my last day at work here. I'm feeling a bit mixed about it because while I can't wait to leave that place I'm going to miss my co-workers who have made work much more bareable. I still have way to much packing to do and I'm hoping that I finish it tomorrow because Sunday we are loading up everything and it would be awful if I hadn't done my part.
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Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| transit |
[16 May 2008|10:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
So I'm test driving my lil bros iPhone while I type this message. Last night I attended hopefully my last high school graduation. My brother is finally out of school and I really did wonder if the day was ever going to come but he actually made it. It was a very interesting night, I had to change in the car on the way to ASU and we barely made it on time due to parking problems. I really thought that the night was going to end badly since my parents had decided to be civil to each other. They managed to be civil thru the whole ceremony and at the party afterward. Some how they were able to go thru the whole ceremony in under 2 hours. After the graduation I hung out with the family until I was able to disappear and hang out with Eric & Brittani. The hardest part of moving is going to be leaving my co-workers turn friends behind. I really didn't expect to find any friends when I began working at Wal-Mart and had I not I would have quit working there a long time ago. But at any rate I did and I have had to many good times with them. I guess I'm just so introspective because I'm sitting out in the middle of nowhere in Arkansas visiting family and what not.
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Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| movement |
[07 May 2008|11:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
Between work, school, and friends so much has been going on. Yesterday was the last day of classes for the spring semester and grades should be posted on Friday. I can finally see if my "hard work" payed off. I was a bit worried about going back to school. Wondering if I was still capable of studying and making the grades. But it seems now I'm able to juggle school and work a lot better than I was before. And I know that will show in my grades.
I've been working on my moving plans also. On the 26th, I'm moving to Chicago. It's exciting to think that everything is finally coming to fruition. After a year of basically planning how and when this was going to happen it really is. I have an apartment, my job is going to transfer, and I'll have my bikes for transportation. I just need to get my packing done and plan the route. Because Chicago here I come.
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1 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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[08 Dec 2007|02:26pm] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
] |
Last night I went to go see The Golden Compass. I had been eagerly awaiting this film since the beginning of the year. I really thought that it was going to be well done especially after seeing the trailers. But I was wrong. They took a very well written book gutted, rearranged it, & then book the title back on it.
One of the things I'm most upset about is that they cut the last 40 pages from the book. It's were you see that Lord Asriel wasn't the good guy that you though he was but in fact is as bad as Mrs. Coulter. Instead the movie ended with Lyra and co. flying off in hopes of setting everything right. It really was a wtf? moment for me in the end. I really didn't think it was the end of the movie but it was.
The other is how everyone was saying that the filmmakers were going to play down the Magisterium's involved in the storyline but they did the exact opposite. They were more involved in the movie that in the book. You really didn't get much from them until the 2nd and 3rd book.
Even though the acting was good and the visuals were done extremely well I was disappointed overall because they didn't bother to stay true to the storyline in the book. If I hadn't read the books I think I would have enjoyed the film a lot more.
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2 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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[26 Nov 2007|10:40pm] |
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mood |
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mellow |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Artifical Joy Club - Skywriting |
] |
Today my lappy official died. Which leaves me without a working pc. But thank goodness I have my Wii because it allows me to at least stay partially connected to the outside world. I must now begin the quest for a new lappy or desktop maybe even both.
These last few days at work have been filled with general holiday season craziness. This is the time of year when the photo lab actually starts making money. Today was particularly crazy due to Alice contaminating the printer. We spent 4 hours draining tanks, cleaning them, & figuring out how to put new start-up chemical in them. It made the time fly but I hope to never have to do that again. The best part about it was that customers were actually understanding about the situation. Usually we just get a bunch of people mad at us because their film wasn't done in an hour.
As much as I usually grip about my job. I actually really like it. I like working in the photo lab and the people I work with. It's just dislike the company I work for. Just a few more months and I won't have to worry about that anymore.
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1 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| Zapper time |
[19 Nov 2007|11:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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music from Link's Crossbow Training |
] |
So instead of being semi-responsible and coming home and cleaning my room I decided to play with my new toy, the Wii Zapper. Oh man it is so much fun. The Zapper is packaged with Link's Crossbow Training. It really just a fun target practice game. But it really gives a feel for using it. I'm having so much fun playing with the Zapper that I'm really tempted to buy Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles and I've never really liked that series. Alright I'm going to stop being a fangirl and clean my room(or just continuing play my Wii more than likely).
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6 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| continuing forward |
[16 Nov 2007|11:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Chris Pureka - Burning Bridges |
] |
It took all of a week and three days to find out that I was accepted to ASU. I saw the letter in my stack of mail and for a moment or two before I opened it I thought it was going to be a rejection letter. You never know when something is going to come from left field to throw you're plans off course. I plan on setting up an appointment with my adviser for the 27th and going to speak to finical aid about everything. And then I can feel like the first step in my plan is complete.
It seems whenever this time of year rolls around I find myself rereading Rubyfruit Jungle. I don't know why but there's something about that book. Mostly it's the main character Molly Bolt who is determined to not only just be herself but also make in the world playing by no one's rules but her own.
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Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| BSG ramblings |
[10 Nov 2007|10:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 ill |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Broken Social Scene - Marketfresh |
] |
I working my way through season two of Battlestar Galactica. I just need to receive the next two disc of 2.5. I'm really amazed at this show. It's billed as sci-fi but I think of it more as a drama that happens to be in space. I'm glad it managed to get solid writers and actors but mostly I wonder what took me so long to finally watch it. Well at least I'm going to get myself catch up before the final season starts to air. Oh, the one thing I really like is how during the opening sequence they manage to give a survivor count. At first I thought I was just imagining the count changing but then I went back to confirm. Alright, I'm going to stop gushing about BSG and go back to being sick.
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1 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| one step forward |
[07 Nov 2007|10:39pm] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
] |
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music |
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Gush - Score |
] |
I've done a lot of running around these last two days. And everything except 2 things have been completed. I turned in my application and financial aid stuff for ASU. Now it's a matter of just waiting for their decision. And I've been on the phone for the last two days with Chicago's community colleges. That was a rather frustrating. All I want is brochures, paper application, & maybe a course college but everyone I talked to on the phone had major attitude and told me to look at the website. Eventually I was able to speak to one helpful person. I'm more or less excited at the fact you only have to live in Chicago 30 days to qualify for in-state/in-district tuition. That one less thing I have to worry about. Now that all my papers are in to ASU and I've requested info from the community colleges I feel as if the ball is really moving forward. Just a little longer to go before I'm living in Chicago. I can't wait.
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3 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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[04 Nov 2007|11:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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pondering |
] |
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music |
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aiko - tv game |
] |
I find it interesting how something you really want to do. Something that you feel compelled to do doesn't line up with what you see as your career. I see myself working for a non-profit in the future but I really want to make a documentary about Tammy Rae Carland. I don't want to be a filmmaker but I think that me and about 4 other people in the world would love to see a film about her. I keep gathering notes & info, working on what I want the film to say, and the more I work on it the more I wish I had the time/money to just throw myself into. I feel I could get pre-production & filming done within 6 - 8 months. I have no clue how long editing would take. I'm not even sure how realistic those estimates are but I think it's quite doable.
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1 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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[30 Oct 2007|10:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Team Dresch - Hand Grenade |
] |
Pittsburgh was good. I loved going to Kennywood on Fright Night. Beating Laura in Scrabble. Watching Itty Bitty Titty Committee again. Geeking out on the Wii with Syd & Lauren. But now I'm dealing with the lull that comes after traveling and trying to get back into the daily grind.
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Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| And on the 8th day they rested |
[22 Oct 2007|11:39pm] |
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mood |
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relaxed |
] |
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music |
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The Butchies - Baby DNA |
] |
Finally a day off. Working 7 days in a row is never fun. But what a week it has been. Finish BSG Season 1. I can't believe it ended like that. I can't wait to start the next season. I'm glad I finally started watching that show. Finished Catcher in the Rye, 1984, & Animal Farm. Loved the last two. Enjoyed Catcher in the Rye but really thought something was missing behind it. Now I'm starting a biography on Charles Schulz. I only have 4 more days til my mini vacation in Pittsburgh. Hopefully this week will fly by.
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Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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[15 Oct 2007|11:52pm] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek |
] |
Today had a rather interesting start. So I was all set to go to work. Rain gear on just in case. It wasn't raining on my side of town but as I got a fourth into my journey it started to sprinkle. But I was fine with sprinkling as long as it didn't start raining harder. Well it did. In fact every quarter section into my journey it started to rain harder. So when I was almost to work it was pouring down hard and I had very poor visibility. I got a rush from doing it and it felt like Selena versus nature. I do believe that this time we had a draw. But I did manage to get to work but it was a rough ride. Upon arriving to work I was very glad I decided to invest in Northface rain gear and a Chrome bag because I was more or less dry and all my stuff was to. My socks and cycling shoes did not fair so well. (Must remember to pack an extra pair of socks.)
I find it rather interesting that you can tell someone you're gay and they not believe you. As if you would gain something from lying to them about it. Lately that has been happening to me. I find it rather strange especially because I think most people would be able to read me as gay. But I guess I'm wrong about that.
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2 Found the end Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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| thoughts of the restless |
[06 Oct 2007|03:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
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musings |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Hooverphonic - Dirty Lenses |
] |
Its late here an as usual I can't sleep. Insomnia plaques me and its something I can't seem to break. No place to go except IHOP or Waffle House. Nothing to do except what the same movies over and over again. But my thoughts do tend to wonder endlessly in the night. Thinking about how my life is rather like hitoribocchi. I'm connected to almost nothing here. Thin strings connect me to people & places. I'm sure when I moved that I won't be missed. But that's not really what this is about.
I'm thinking on a friendship that really isn't at all anymore. My mom keeps telling me that she runs into Em. And she looks at me as if I should have sometime of reaction. And I don't beyond a shrug. Because what is there to stay on what happens. Especially when she wants to know why? Why those two girls don't come over anymore and what are they up to. All I can tell her is that we aren't connected anymore. Stuff happened and I was rather mad/upset and then things just fell apart further from there. Years of late night phone calls, mischievious events, & so many jokes. Just gone. As if you never knew each other before. And I'm left thinking do things every go back? Can a friendship restart?
I indeed wonder. I guess time will tell.
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Looking for the end of the tunnel?
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